My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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