you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
