I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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