Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
