He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize