I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
