i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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