apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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