I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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