just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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