I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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