so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
