drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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