So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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