Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize