did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I cut my penus on the lid.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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