just tell him i said nine months
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
