Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
