On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
