i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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