I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
