How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
