this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
