God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
