I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
