bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
