I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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