I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Never joke about your clitoris.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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