your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
tell me about the eggs
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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