So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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