If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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