I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
PANTIES FOUND
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