I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
