I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
