Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
