so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
