I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
