The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
