i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
