Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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