are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
