I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
sarcasm needs its own font
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
