Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
did i walk over a car last night?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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