Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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