i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
