So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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