I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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