i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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