i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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