I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
