The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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