I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
