The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
