You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
