And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
