Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
