I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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