every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize