...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
