I wish my penis had an off switch
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
